personal essay rough draft

If It Wasn’t For You


At the age of 9 my family and I had moved to a really rough neighborhood. There were gang violence and drug deals. You always had to watch your back and be on your toes. It wasn’t necessarily on my street, but it was definitely across the street, up the street, and all around our street. I remember falling asleep to gunshots, people screaming, police and ambulance sirens almost every night. At first those gunshots and screams would haunt my dreams. I would wake up in cold sweats and walk around my house to make sure my family was still there and okay. But, after a while I got use to it almost to the point where I couldn’t fall asleep if I didn’t hear it. One day my brother and I were sitting on our porch and all of the neighborhood kids came over and started talking to us. I remember them telling my brother and I where to go and where to not go, what time we should be in a house, didn’t matter what house but just to be in one because at night is when most of the stuff went down. I remember sitting there thinking to myself we’re all 10 years old, we shouldn’t be worried about things like this, but we did. After that day we all became quick friends, like one big happy family. Like me and my friend Matt in particular. We became inseparable. Where one went the other wasn’t to far behind. We’d play basketball, have snowball fights, water gun fights and have sleepovers and just sit and talk like all the other regular kids who lived in nicer neighborhoods. To me this was amazing because here we are in this hell on earth, but at the same time there’s a bit of happiness and a sense of security. He was like my big brother. As we got older and more adventurous we would venture outside of our little safe zone into the unknown and frightening like little Indiana Jones’. We would find little ways to get around all the bad parts of the neighborhood and show the rest of our friends. One of our favorite places to go to was the park. It was kind of a long walk or bike ride to get to, but it was worth all the calories we burned. The park was always full of life, even at night. There were big full leaved trees, green grass, and different types of people walking by alone, or with other people or even their dogs. There were people laughing and playing games. Me and Matt would go there everyday after school and just walk around and talk or just sit there and watch other people and enjoy each others company, wondering what it would be like to not have to worry about if you, your family members, friends or even the person who sat next to you in class would be the one who would get killed next. Later that day as we walked back to our street we noticed a bunch of kids surrounding my brother. So we ran to him and demanded to know what their problem was and told them to back away from my brother. Then one kid actually punched my brother in the nose for no reason. Every one of our friends including Matt chased after them and beat them up. Except for me. I stayed with my brother because his nose was bleeding pretty badly. It was like a fruit punch fountain. Haha. But anyways after that we got my brother all fixed up and okay and hung out at our house for the rest of the night. That night before bed I layed there thinking of how close we all have gotten over the past few years and that no matter what kind of danger one of us would be in, we’d all be in it together. We were almost our own little army and the war we were fighting was to make sure that none of us were next. From that moment on all of us except Matt became more aggressive, more protective and almost territorial like a bunch of lions. I remember getting into so many fights and becoming angry all the time because I didn’t want anyone to think that they could just walk all over me or my friends and family. I didn’t like the feeling of maybe we could be next. In return I started to become just like them. Like a bully with a purpose. I didn’t like it but I had felt like I had to be in order to survive. One summer day I remember, it was sweltering hot outside, like being in a sauna with all your clothes on. Me, my brother and Matt were playing outside with our hoses and pots and pans because none of us could afford a pool. We were having a great time, laughing, smiling, when all of a sudden someone started yelling at us to “shut the fuck up!” and shot at us. Luckily he didn’t hit any of us, but we’ve never been so scared in our lives. We ran into our houses, our hearts beating like there were a million little drummers in our chests. We didn’t go outside for weeks after that, but when we finally did we always did something in our driveways or backyards or we would go to the park. Up until this point Matt and me never really talked about what we wanted to be or even about our futures. We just lived day by day and knew we just wanted to get out of that neighborhood. So when we went to the park to talk I knew it was going to be different. He started telling me he didn’t like what I have become and that I was going to end up just like the people whom we always swore we’d never be. Then he started telling me what he wanted to do. That made me stop and realize that I needed to do the same thing. Matt wanted to be a cop, he wanted to make a difference and help people anyway that he could, he also wanted to travel the world to see new places, cultures and faces, like we would always do at the park except it would be bigger and better. He told me we were going to travel together and make something of ourselves. He talked about not resenting anyone anymore, to let things go and live everyday like it was your last, to not be so angry or scared anymore, but to always find the good in everything. I was so excited to start a future for myself and to have my best friend do it with me. Later that night he walked me home and I always looked out of my window to make sure he got home okay. On this particular night he didn’t. A bunch of gangster wanabees jumped him, beat him up, kicked him when he was down, and ultimately shot him. There were 5 guys; each shot one round, one at a time. I sat there and watched as it went in slow motion and seemed to last forever, I watched each bullet go through his body like a knife goes through butter. It felt like they had shot me to, right in the heart, except I was still breathing. Half of me died that night. I turned cold and bitter, antisocial. I never wanted to get close to anyone again because in a flash they could be gone and I couldn’t handle it. I went back on my word to Matt and became angry again and got into more fights and didn’t care what would or could happen to me. I grew depressed and layed in my dark lonely room at night asking why. It wasn’t until years later that I accepted what happened and grew up. I didn’t want to be that way anymore and I knew that Matt was watching over me disappointed because I had let him down. So now I live each day like it was my last, I don’t take anything for granted, or hold on to silly things, I’m starting my future and I will travel the world. If it weren’t for Matt’s speech that night I would probably be with him right now. So I in return spread his words to my friends and anyone I meet because it just may change their lives.